Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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