I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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