So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
please don't ironically join a cult
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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