I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
