There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
