I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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