I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
