When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
