is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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