Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
