i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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