we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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