there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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