So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
