Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
