i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
