Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
