Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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