dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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