I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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