your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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