i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
