the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Let's paint friendship bongs
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
