i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I faked an abortion last night.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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