he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i think i have two assholes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
