Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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