when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
