She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
