I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
