I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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