you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
