i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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