Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
