dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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