Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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