I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
