If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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