chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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