im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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