i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
if only i could text you this smell
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
