hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
