john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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