Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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