when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
