you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
