you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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