I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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