So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
