fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
