there's paper in my vomit.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
