I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
