Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
