I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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