sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My bed is full of blood and feathers
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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