you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
