I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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