i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
